I’m just going to go ahead and say it – I hate my birthday. I have for most of my life. I could never put my finger on it. Maybe it’s because I was a summer baby and birthday parties just didn’t happen for us. Maybe because I spent time at camp and it just wasn’t a big deal there. My mother and sister were both dismayed by my birthday hatred.
Now that they are gone, birthdays seem like ever more of a chore to me. People try to make it special but without the person that gave birth to me and the sister who was there for me my whole life, I just don’t really want to celebrate. I don’t know if it is because they can’t celebrate, so why should I be able to or if it just doesn’t feel special anymore.
The first birthday after my mother died, I cried the entire day. My sister tried so hard to make it special for me. She took me for high tea – I cried non-stop from the moment we left the house to the time the tea was over. I told her that our mother would be flattered, and Michele looked at me, and shook her head and said, “No Jill, she wouldn’t.”
I cried the first birthday that after my sister died too. I know that she would have hated that, but it’s just how it is.
Tonight is the eve before my second birthday without Michele and the fifth without my mother. I can tell you that I’ve been crying for hours and I’m totally fine with that BUT because something incredible happened.
I’m very organized, but when it comes to stupid things, I have a tendency to procrastinate. Michele bought me a smoothie blender a number of years ago. It sat, unopened, in a box at the condo that I’m packing up to sell. I decided to bring it to my home and open it today, the day before my birthday. As I took the box out of the bag to open it, a card fell out. It was a birthday card for me from Michele. It was one that I had never seen before. I opened it – and it was by far the dumbest card that I’ve ever seen BUT I will cherish it forever – bad donut jokes and all.
Michele always wanted to be the first person to wish me a happy birthday. Somehow, even beyond the grave she succeeded and I love her for it.