A friend of mine just lost her father yesterday. Naturally, she’s devastated. She asked me how you move forward from this kind of loss? My answer is part of my last blog – you live your life. That simple sentiment, if you are grieving, is also the hardest thing in the world to do. I know. I struggle every single day. But my sister left me four things to do before she died. One of them was to write…write a book, write a blog post…just write. I couldn’t figure out why it was so important to her, but I know now, that part of the reason was because she thought that I needed a purpose. Writing a book about caregiving, grief and more is part of that. She was smart that sister of mine.
Immediately after my sister died, I came home, put the furniture back where it belonged after I moved it earlier to make room for the EMTs. I took the world’s longest shower, stripped her bed, took one of her Ativans and got into bed. I was awake for 48 hours straight, but I knew that without help, that sleep wouldn’t come. I woke up the next morning, and showered again – I just didn’t feel clean. I felt like there was death everywhere with a smattering of guilt, but you can’t wash either away. I got ready and planned her funeral. That was the first step. The only step you need to take if you are in this unenviable position.
Day after day, I force myself to get up. I still need to take the world’s longest showers. I get dressed and work. I talk to people, my friends, my family. I sometimes walk into my sister’s room and wonder why she isn’t there. Some days, I still can’t believe that she’s gone. I work, I distract myself with all of the tasks that death brings. Dutifully looking after her estate. Continuing to manage my mother’s. Making sure that since we are now allowed to see people, after such a long time, that I make an effort and not just stay at home.
I force myself to socialize, but for me, right now, it’s still really hard to call or text. It feels overwhelming. People reach out – I respond. That’s easier – I don’t know why. It’s partly because I’ve had to make and continue to have to make really big decisions. I think that because I know that my life is different and that there is this big void still. While there is no expiration on your personal grief, there is a lot of pressure on a mourner to not bring up that loss. Sometimes, especially with me, because I’ve essentially lost everything, there is really nothing anyone can say to make it better. All that I can all do is put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.
I wrote this in August 2021 – 8 months after Michele died and when we had a break from COVID lockdowns. I was cleaning out my drafts today and found it. I thought about not posting it, but thought again – Michele wanted me to write about this and it is her story too.
If you have been a caregiver, you know the guilt that I’m talking about. If you have a sibling that died, you know the survivor guilt that I have. As a caregiver, you think if only I had done this or that…if only. A lot of how I feel today isn’t all that different, but it’s easier to cope when I’m busy which seems to be all of the time.
I also know, that thanks to the words that Michele wrote for me, how she felt. I mean, my procrastinating sister didn’t write a ton for me, but enough and I’m so grateful for her every word.
One day, I’ll take each of these pages and edit them properly and put them in order, but not right now. Right now, I’m going to listen to what Michele told me and just get it down on paper and then worry about it.
I went for a coffee with a young woman who wanted some career advice in the not so recent past. She asked me about my own career and then asked longingly about working for yourself. People love the idea, but don’t have a clue about what goes into it. Like everything in life, it’s something that I inadvertently stumbled into. Long story short, my business partner and I went for lunch and decided to go into a partnership together on the site that we were both working on. It seemed like a good idea and the bonus was not having to worry when I needed to go to appointments and treatments with my sister who was very ill.
My business is divided into two parts. Jill Schneiderman Management Inc. (catchy name, isn’t it?) where I am the sole proprietor and JACS Communication Inc. that I hold a majority interest in. My partner and I co-own DIVINE.ca – a women’s online magazine and OHLALA, DIVINE’s sister site which needs a lot more attention. Nothing goes on either site that I haven’t at least lightly edited. I write a lot of the content, handle mostly all of the social posts, sales and admin for the sites.
Jill Schneiderman Inc. is the management and consulting arm of my business. I manage a group of nine experts that have influence versus influencers. Most appear on TV and are the best at what they do. I’m not going to list them, because I don’t like to brag – and I think that it’s better to let them mention me if they choose. I work differently with each, giving them what they ask for from brand partnership negotiation and management to social media advice, PR and creative direction on projects where needed. I do some sales for other publications here and there too and do a few other things that I get looped into.
If you have ever wanted to work for yourself, I thought her questions were good enough to answer here as well. Here you go:
Don’t You Get Lonely?
It’s true, when you basically work for yourself, you are alone at times. However, I speak to people often. Between Zoom meetings, in-person meetings, PR events, client calls, texting, voice messaging and all of those people who think that self-employment means I’m bored, so I’ll call Jill, she doesn’t have a boss, no – I’m not lonely. It helped that during the worst of the pandemic, I knew that everyone was working from home and many are still or working on a hybrid model. There are times I miss having the interaction, but at one of my last jobs, I was always in meetings and rarely at my desk. Self-employment is similar.
Where and How Do I Start?
Start out by being honest with yourself. Can you afford to be in build up mode for 3-5 years. If the answer is no, then don’t do it. Are you disciplined enough, meaning can you put the work in without anyone telling you what your goals are? If you are self-motivated, then consider it. If you need a push or more direction, and there is nothing wrong if you do, then don’t do it. Once you make the leap – speak to a lawyer about incorporation. It’s relatively simple if you are a sole proprietor. Figure out what you think you will make in a year to determine if you need an HST number or not. I made the mistake of getting one in year one – you need to make $27K or more to require it. We had a lot of unexpected challenges in year one of owning DIVINE and those set backs meant that I didn’t need to pay those taxes. The money is better in your pocket.
If you are going to go into business for yourself, make sure that you are picking something that you know in your heart of hearts that you will succeed at in the future. Make sure that you can cover any expenses and know what you can and should write off. Decide what is the most important thing for you. My goal was to work on a product that I love and with people that have the same values as me. That means douchey people need not apply. In media, people can do things including but not limited to, buying followers, lying about metrics, being shady, sabotaging you for their own gain (like in every business) and generally speaking not be the nicest. I’m at a point now where I have the ideal clients for me, that have the same values (did I mention that already) and I have a business partner who works with me and is also very kind.
What Do I Need to Know?
In short – everything. If it’s your business, if you don’t know what you are doing, you better learn. In the last 4 years, I have learned more than I have in the previous ten. I was leaving my comfort zone of working in the corporate media world. I wouldn’t have IT. I wouldn’t have access to a research team. I had to become an expert at something related to what I did but not exactly the same. I took online courses. I read constantly. I learn something new every day, and I also learned the most important thing. I don’t have to be the smartest person in the room. I have to be the best listener – and that was a huge leap forward. Interviewing people taught me that skill-set. The more you listen, the more you learn. Also, ask the right questions and always, always read the small print.
Everyone has a story to tell and expertise at something. I learned a lot of lessons the hard way. My sister had the ability to read people immediately. I’m getting better at that now, but only because I don’t have her to weigh in. When she told me that she didn’t like someone or something, I’d always get a sinking feeling, because I knew that she was right and that I had to learn to be a better judge of character. Now I pay so much more attention and I still do the same stupid things at times, but at least I come around…eventually.
What Are the Benefits and Drawbacks?
Everyday is different, every client is different and I’m almost never bored. I can travel when I want to because I can work from wherever I want in the world. If I have an appointment, I don’t need permission. If I’m sick, I don’t have to call in. I can make decisions that make sense on the spot without any type of approval. I meet tons of different people and I get to interview people that I admire. I learn something new literally every day and sometimes, I get to write and get paid for it. Most importantly (which I didn’t tell the young woman that I was speaking to), I was able to be a caregiver for my sister and could schedule myself around her needs.
The drawbacks are that you can’t say no to anything until you figure out how you want to structure your business. It means saying yes to some things that are a little joyless. You have to be organized about accounting, following up on payment and other tasks that are a bit boring. You also work longer and harder than you think you will because you may not have back up. My job is pretty social but if you need to always be around people, consider a co-working space if you can afford it. I prefer working out of my home, but everyone is different. Somedays I have to be more of a therapist or annoying nag than a manager. The final drawback is that you can’t want success for your clients more than they want it for themselves. They are adults and if they get in their own way, it’s their decision. Although the drawbacks may appear greater, the benefits far outweigh them.
The young woman looked slightly dazed when she finished getting the answers that I’m not sure that she wanted to hear like success isn’t immediate, but it does happen. Be patient, and work hard and it will come, I told her, but don’t do it unless you are ready.
Jill Of Some Trades 