The "Whiz-ard" That Is Dr. Oz

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Plop – Revisiting My Take on Goop

plop

The people who know me best know how much Gwyneth Paltrow and I have in common.       I’ve written about my respect for her several times before, indeed citing some of our greatest similarities, minus the size of my wallet of course.  Check these out if you know not of what I speak – https://jillschnei.wordpress.com/2014/03/29/plop/https://jillschnei.wordpress.com/2014/03/31/plop-part-deux-dos-due-zwei-twee/  Gwynnie does have it tough, don’t get me wrong.  Just recently, Goop was called out by NASA for spreading misinformation about using NASA technology in healing stickers sold on her site.  She also enraged GOOPIES (get it, like Groupies, only snobbier) at a recent Summit for the brand in NYC.  Not only did many get upset and leave the meeting of the fabulous minds due to lack of Gwynnie time and ill treatment if they only spent $500 on their ticket, there were ridiculous line ups for treatments promised when they booked their day of grace with the chosen Hollywood Health Nut.  Lastly, some of her adoring public is thinking about consciously uncoupling with Gwyneth when she admitted on Jimmy Kimmel’s show that she really has no idea about what is being sold on her site.

I would never abandon my Gwynnie though, and decided to take some of her advice (even if she doesn’t take it herself) and live the Goop-ie life for one week.  Here are some of the things that I tried…

  • Earthing – Gwynnie said she didn’t know what this was really, maybe some electromagnetic energy force field that’s only available in the ground.  I knew she was just kidding, after all, she was on Jimmy Kimmel and we all know what a joke-ster she is, so I decided to try Earthing for myself.  I pondered the name first, that’s just how deep I am, and thought, well, this is something that I can only do on Earth – not Venus, Mars or Jupiter, just Earth – coolio.  Immediately, I felt a connection to the land.  It can also cure a multitude of maladies like insomnia, arthritis, inflammation and depression.  According to Clint Ober, simply put, “Earthing therapy rests on the intuitive assumption that connecting to the energy of the planet is healthy for our souls and bodies.”  I decided to walk bare-foot through the park, or tip-toe through the tulips, if you will.  I kicked off my Naot sandals (not on Goop’s list of must have, I must invest in one of their choices) and plunged forward into the grass.  Immediately, I jumped back after stepping into a big pile of doggie doo – GROSS!!!! I found a bird bath and joined my fine feathered friends for a quick rinse before I tried again.  I got squeamish thinking I saw a worm and a deer tick.  Earthing isn’t for the faint of heart, so I gave up, running like a girl back to the safety of the pavement and my sandals.  Verdict – caused more stress then it cured.
  • Jade Egg Practice – wanting a deeper sense of connection to myself and all of the other side benefits of the Jade Egg suggested on Goop including some kegel help, I decided to try it.  When I saw the $66 price tag, I immediately thought, I can’t spend that much money on my hoo-hah why not try a regular hen’s egg?  Same shape – right?  Except every time I did it, the egg kept cracking – what a mess!  People on the subway also looked at me strangely because every time I tried to shove my way into the doors, another egg yolk appeared at my feet.  Verdict – don’t use regular eggs, and skip this whole thing. 
  • IV Drip  (available at the Goop Wellness Summit) – I wasn’t able to charter a private jet to fly down to LA to partake in a weekend of wellness and GP disciples, so I thought about just getting an IV drip which they promise will rehydrate you!  Then I thought about it and went with nature’s hydration, scientifically proven to help you bring more water to your little cells – good old water.  Verdict – OH PLEASE!
  • Meaningful small talk – My Gwynnie has meaning behind all of her conversations, so delving deeper into Goop, I found an article on how to have meaningful small talk.  All 8 steps would be overwhelming for a mere mortal like me, so I decided to start with one small tip – ask for advice, because it makes people feel good about themselves.  I’ve started at a new work place, so I thought this would be a great way to get to know people.  I went to the Executive VP’s office and asked him if he knew the best place to find a gun-metal coloured purse would be.  I’ve been looking everywhere for one!  Instead of feeling like an expert, he ordered me to leave his office.  I then walked into the Sales VP’s office and asked him if he thought I should go with Mac Lipglass for a tried and true colour (my fave is Love Child) or go with Charlotte Tilbury?  He never heard of either but I’m sure it made him feel important to be included in such a riveting conversation.  Verdict – mixed.
  • Spirituality (Understanding How to Move and Manipulate Energy) – GP is a spiritual goddess, really!  It pours out of her pores.  The first thing that I think of when I see her, aside from the awful hunchback she will have later in life if she keeps slouching, is how she is a child of the Earth – so in touch with herself.  I read this article and felt overwhelmed by the ten steps, so I focused on one for more energy: “Make a list of different feelings. Free associate with each feeling. What is your relationship to that feeling? What are your beliefs or images about those feelings? Where do you tend to feel those feelings, if at all, in your body?”  When I wrote down my feelings, particularly about Goop, the first was bored.  I saw myself yawn as I was thinking about my feelings.  I felt my arms stretch back and my mouth open wide enough to catch flies.  My relationship with boredom – too boring to think about.  My beliefs are???? Not sure, can’t answer that one.  I think it’s find something less boring to do.  Verdict – MEH!

So, after basking in Goopie brilliance for one week, I learned several valuable lessons – never go to someone who is not a health care practitioner for advice or someone who has no clue what she is talking about for that matter for mental advice.  Stars like Gwynnie and Cameron Diaz, will never be my go to girls when I need treatment for something.  Remember Goop isn’t a lifestyle, it’s a business.

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When A Goose Attacks

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Image courtesy of Buzzfeed

“I was attacked by a Canada Goose” said a text from my middle sister.  “The coat or the animal?” I quickly wrote, eager to find out if my sister was strong-armed by a sales person trying to pawn one of the  jackets before the season ended.  Most people can’t even afford the “down” payment on those coats.  “The animal” she replied with tears in her eyes (I’m guessing).  I proceeded to laugh for at least ten minutes, somewhat hysterically, before picking up the phone and pleading with her, in between giggle fits, to give me the complete honk by honk, oops, I mean blow by blow.  The more she spoke, the more I howled with laughter.  Cheer up Eeyore, it was bound to happen to one of us.

Now before you have a “bird” on me, I did make sure that she was alright in between my laughing fits.  When I spoke to her this morning, she told me to have a “gander” at videos of goose attacks.  The attack happened to her when she was innocently trying to use an ATM in downtown Oakville.  That’s what you get for “nesting” in the suburbs.  She turned her back, and her “goose was cooked”.  The bird bit her back with it’s toothless beak, twisting, but causing no damage.  It attacked again, flapping it’s wings at her head, causing a migraine, but luckily no “goose egg” on her noggin.  Surprisingly, even though it was a Canada Goose, it wasn’t polite enough to give her a sorry.  I wonder if the “Portugeese” are the nicer ones?

I’m not sure if there was a gosling close by, but my sister is an animal lover, even feeling sorry enough for the birds to eschew down products.  Now, it’s a different story – she thinks that those “birdbrains” belong in a coat, pillow or duvet.  The attack really came out of nowhere.  The only advice that I could give her for next time was to “duck” or blow her nose at the bird.  I always did say that it sounded like a mating call for a goose when she blows her nose.  If you are chased by a goose, you can always “wing it” depending on the direction of the attack “beak-cause” it can be difficult to judge what’s going to make them “fly off the handle”.  Maybe just tell it to “flock off”?

My sister really isn’t a “chicken” and so maybe I should give it a nest, I mean rest already. I apologize to you all, my faithful readers, if you found this post a little “fowl”.  Maybe I’ll get my sister a little gift for letting me write about her ordeal – nah, I’m too “cheep”.  I’m off for some bedtime reading, “Mother Goose” anyone?

 

 


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Things That Make Me Go HMMM…2017

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image courtesy of manbunhaorstyle.net (yes this is for real)

In 2016, I shared a post of things that keep me up at night, if you haven’t read it, it’s completely fascinating if I do say so myself (Trumpian modesty or an alternative fact?).  Here is a link Things That Make Me Go HMMMMMMM – 2016.  This year, I have many more deep thoughts that I ponder on my what will become of me couch including:

  • Last year, I wondered why man buns were a thing?  This year, I’m wondering if the hipster who invented the semi-bun or top-knot is laughing that so many men think that this is actually a thing.  It’s really not, it’s a cruel joke that you should cut off now.  Go on, take that elastic out, run your fingers through your two inches of hair and snip it off.  It’s a look that’s wrong on every level, trust me.  Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind
  • Speaking of which, if you notice food in a hipster’s bushy beard do you 1) tell him, 2) assume he’ll shampoo it out later, 3) think he’s saving it for a snack?
  • Do you shampoo a beard?
  • My knee hurts – do I need a knee replacement?  Has the warrantee on my part run out?
  • Why did those scientists need to do a study to figure out if dogs love their owners?  Doesn’t the fact that a dog goes nuts when you get home, looks at you with absolute adoration, stays with you when you are sick, sighs sadly when you are unhappy and needs to sit as close to you or on you as possible give you a clue?  Thanks Rocket Scientists for answering a question as burning as the Caramilk Secret or which came first, the chicken or the egg.  Maybe the funds from the next experiment should go towards curing cancer
  • How is it that some people hate cilantro?  It’s totally amazing!
  • Why can’t we have a soundtrack playing when we are walking along the street like they do in movies?
  • Is Mariah Carey that much of a diva or is she just putting on an act?  It’s got to be an act, forget this one
  • What do the words to “New Moon on Monday” by Duran Duran really mean?  It’s been bothering me for years (obviously).  Simon LeBon never made sense when he explained it.  It’s very catchy but makes zero sense
  • Why did they name New York City after the state?  Did they just get lazy?  New York, New York?  Next time I go to Buffalo, should I just say that I’m going to New York, that way people won’t judge me?
  • Why couldn’t I find Swiss Cheese in Switzerland?  Was that a foodie ploy to boost tourism?
  • How many times have the following words/sayings turned up on The Bachelor: 1) Journey, 2) Right Reasons, 3) Winning, 4) Your Tribe Has Spoken (oops that’s Survivor – sorry!)
  • Why of all of the things that I’ve written does “Ode to Probiotics” seem to be the most popular?
  • If my plane crashes over the Atlantic Ocean (or any body of water), is that little life jacket/flotation device really going to keep me alive?
  • Is my plane going to crash??????
  • How did Jack on “This is Us” die?
  • Is bigly a word?
  • Why do people always call Us Weekly a gossip rag when it’s 100% accurate?
  • When am I going to be able to go to a yoga class and not get a huge case of the giggles?
  • Scratch that one – I gave up yoga
  • Do people really like sushi or only think they should because it’s so pretty?

Sooo much to think about…no wonder I have insomnia.  Tune in next year for my latest update on things that make me go hmmmm.


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Things That Make Me Go HMMMMMMM

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Image courtesy of independent.ie

Some days, when I am sitting in a boring meeting,on the subway or my what will become of me couch, I have very deep thoughts.  Very DEEP thoughts.  I thought I’d share some of the things that cause me distraction at work, on the subway when I’m supposed to be focused on my book challenge or on my sofa when I should be focused on the high quality TV that I’m such a fan of.  If you think I’m thinking about world peace or how to eradicate poverty, you are sadly mistaken.  I’m the same as you every day folks thinking about the really important issues like:

  • Why man buns are a thing?  Was it thanks to Jared Leto?
  • Why are man braids becoming a thing – they are really unattractive
  • Why do people insist on wearing those ear-deforming spacers?  They are just an eye sore
  • Are hipsters really hip?  If so, why do they try so hard not to be?
  • Why is it whenever someone tells me not to touch something because it’s hot do I feel like I should touch it to make sure that they aren’t making it up?
  • Why is the plural of goose geese but moose are just moose?  Would it be weird or trend starting if I threw meese around in conversation?
  • Is that mark on my back a spider bite?  If so, my eyes are widening in fear and I wish that I could run around and scream
  • Do parents really think that their ugly baby is cute or are they just saying that because it’s politically correct?  I was an ugly baby, I can say this
  • If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?  And please don’t tell me pilgrims, I need a more original answer
  • Why would Fox ever cancel The Mindy Project AKA the finest half hour on television
  • Will HULU renew The Mindy Project?
  • Why is it that I still love ’80s music even though the lyrics never made any sense?
  • Will Betty White make it to 100?
  • Should I get fillers?  I think my eyes are sinking
  • Was I as annoying as the 20 year olds that take public transit when I was there age?
  • Did that girl really walk out of the bathroom at work and not wash her hands?  Doesn’t she realize how gross that is?  Should I have told her that she had toilet paper on her shoe?
  • Is there still a market for the VHS tapes that I’m trying to sell or will I have to take them to Value Village?
  • Will people realize that what will become of me couch came from a book (can’t remember which one) or do they think I made it up?  Either way, it’s become a Jill-ism
  • Will the meek inherit the earth?  I don’t think so – no one will speak up to claim it, but am I wrong?
  • If I go to a 24 hour store at 3 in the morning will it really be open or is that a marketing ploy?
  • How does The Bachelor say “will you accept this rose?” with a straight face
  • How much does Chris Harrison get paid for saying “Ladies this is the final rose…Most dramatic rose ceremony ever”! etc.  I can take this off the list – $60,000 per episode – thank you Google
  • Is Phil really sorry to tell someone that they have been eliminated from “The Amazing Race”?
  • Does Kanye West really think he’s a great designer?
  • Does Kanye West really think he’s a god?
  • Why do I care about Kanye West?
  • When Drake says “You used to call me on my cell phone” – shouldn’t he say text?  Who calls anymore?  Love Hotline Bling but get real
  • Why do people love Adele so much? As a person she seems lovely, she has a great voice, but all of her songs sound the same – am I wrong?  HMMMMM…..

I know – it’s a lot to think about – you try getting through the day when there is so much going on in your head.


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Slurpy McSlurplord, The Art of Not Procrastinating, Kelly Clarkson and Phoning it In

Kelly

I was coming home today on the subway, not always my happy place, when I found myself trapped next to an unusually tall man eating an unusually large meal RIGHT NEXT TO ME.  I shall call him Slurpy McSlurplord.  On the long journey home, I got to enjoy a meal – his – mostly because I felt that I was eating right along with him.  All I heard was SLUUUURRPPPP, SWIIIISHHHHH, PHHHHHTTTTTT, YUMMMM, UM, UGH, OOOGA CHAKA, OOGA Chaka…so I’ve created a little song for the disgust that I felt to “Hooked on a Feeling”:

I can’t stop this feeling
Deep inside of me
Boy, you just don’t realize
What your slurping noises do to me…

When you hold your dinner
In your arms so tight
You let me know
That your food is all right

I’m hooked on a feeling
I’m high on believing
That you’re disgusting to me

Chicken and Ribs and Fries as sweet as candy (POETIC LICENSE)
Its stench is on my mind
Boy, you got me thirsty
For another cup o’ wine or Coke or whatever it is you are drinking in my EARRRRR…

Got a bug from you boy
And I’d like a cure
I’ll just stay a victim
Of your germs I’m sure

All the good stuff
In your carry out tray
I feel like I’m in there with you
The stench from your fingers makes me go boo hoo

I’m hooked on a feeling
I’m high on believing
That good subway manners are a possibility

All the good food
In your take out tray
With your greasy fingers
As shiny as a sunny day

I said I’m hooked on a feeling
And I’m high on believing
That you’ll act politely
I’m hooked on a feeling

I actually hated sitting next to him more than I hate sitting on a warm seat…and I really hate warm seats.  Not only did he eat like a cave man, he actually opened his little sauce container with his teeth…yes, it’s nice to know that Cro Magnon Man  exists.  I kept thinking he was going to drop his meal on me.  He ended up just losing his sauce.  In an enlightened moment, I felt grateful that he didn’t lose his cookies, because it would be aimed in my direction.  Trying to get to my happy place, I yelled Kelly Clarkson the way that I do sometimes – in my inside voice (and the way 40 Year Old Virgin did when he was getting waxed…actually so do I, it helps me cope with the pain).
Seriously – are manners really dead?  And seriously, I love Kelly Clarkson – she’s just talented and herself – and in this day and age that’s a rarity.  I went to see her in concert a few weeks ago and she was fun and completely genuine.  Love her – she’s a lesson on why being yourself is a good thing.  She could get rid of the half shaved head, but that’s her choice.  Go see her if you have a chance.  She doesn’t phone it in…
Speaking of phoning it in – did any of you do Deepak and Oprah’s 21 Day Meditation Experience on Gratitude?  You know I love DOPRAH too, but this was completely phoned in and disingenuous, if I may be so bold.  I’ve done several, and admittedly, I’m not the deepest person, and I’ll NEVER be able to meditate properly, but I’ve always liked Deepak’s message.  This time, meh.  He may have had a couple of messages where I felt he was back to himself, but can’t say that I feel that this was time well spent.  I’ll keep doing them, but totally not grateful for this one.  I just hope that they haven’t jumped the shark, so to speak – or is that just a TV term?
I’m also going away shortly – which I’m so excited about, but I did something scary on Monday.  I packed for my trip…yes, all of my clothes and shoes for two weeks are neatly packed and I don’t leave until Thursday.  Does this mean that I’ve learned the art of not procrastinating or am I just getting old?  I don’t know what’s come over me lately!!! I miss the good old days when I’d run around two hours before my plane left throwing things in a suitcase and hoping for the best.  Times have certainly changed.  I’ll be writing about my little adventure when I get back.
Until then, I remain gratefully yours…
Jill