The people who know me best know how much Gwyneth Paltrow and I have in common. I’ve written about my respect for her several times before, indeed citing some of our greatest similarities, minus the size of my wallet of course. Check these out if you know not of what I speak – https://jillschnei.wordpress.com/2014/03/29/plop/, https://jillschnei.wordpress.com/2014/03/31/plop-part-deux-dos-due-zwei-twee/ Gwynnie does have it tough, don’t get me wrong. Just recently, Goop was called out by NASA for spreading misinformation about using NASA technology in healing stickers sold on her site. She also enraged GOOPIES (get it, like Groupies, only snobbier) at a recent Summit for the brand in NYC. Not only did many get upset and leave the meeting of the fabulous minds due to lack of Gwynnie time and ill treatment if they only spent $500 on their ticket, there were ridiculous line ups for treatments promised when they booked their day of grace with the chosen Hollywood Health Nut. Lastly, some of her adoring public is thinking about consciously uncoupling with Gwyneth when she admitted on Jimmy Kimmel’s show that she really has no idea about what is being sold on her site.
I would never abandon my Gwynnie though, and decided to take some of her advice (even if she doesn’t take it herself) and live the Goop-ie life for one week. Here are some of the things that I tried…
- Earthing – Gwynnie said she didn’t know what this was really, maybe some electromagnetic energy force field that’s only available in the ground. I knew she was just kidding, after all, she was on Jimmy Kimmel and we all know what a joke-ster she is, so I decided to try Earthing for myself. I pondered the name first, that’s just how deep I am, and thought, well, this is something that I can only do on Earth – not Venus, Mars or Jupiter, just Earth – coolio. Immediately, I felt a connection to the land. It can also cure a multitude of maladies like insomnia, arthritis, inflammation and depression. According to Clint Ober, simply put, “Earthing therapy rests on the intuitive assumption that connecting to the energy of the planet is healthy for our souls and bodies.” I decided to walk bare-foot through the park, or tip-toe through the tulips, if you will. I kicked off my Naot sandals (not on Goop’s list of must have, I must invest in one of their choices) and plunged forward into the grass. Immediately, I jumped back after stepping into a big pile of doggie doo – GROSS!!!! I found a bird bath and joined my fine feathered friends for a quick rinse before I tried again. I got squeamish thinking I saw a worm and a deer tick. Earthing isn’t for the faint of heart, so I gave up, running like a girl back to the safety of the pavement and my sandals. Verdict – caused more stress then it cured.
- Jade Egg Practice – wanting a deeper sense of connection to myself and all of the other side benefits of the Jade Egg suggested on Goop including some kegel help, I decided to try it. When I saw the $66 price tag, I immediately thought, I can’t spend that much money on my hoo-hah why not try a regular hen’s egg? Same shape – right? Except every time I did it, the egg kept cracking – what a mess! People on the subway also looked at me strangely because every time I tried to shove my way into the doors, another egg yolk appeared at my feet. Verdict – don’t use regular eggs, and skip this whole thing.
- IV Drip (available at the Goop Wellness Summit) – I wasn’t able to charter a private jet to fly down to LA to partake in a weekend of wellness and GP disciples, so I thought about just getting an IV drip which they promise will rehydrate you! Then I thought about it and went with nature’s hydration, scientifically proven to help you bring more water to your little cells – good old water. Verdict – OH PLEASE!
- Meaningful small talk – My Gwynnie has meaning behind all of her conversations, so delving deeper into Goop, I found an article on how to have meaningful small talk. All 8 steps would be overwhelming for a mere mortal like me, so I decided to start with one small tip – ask for advice, because it makes people feel good about themselves. I’ve started at a new work place, so I thought this would be a great way to get to know people. I went to the Executive VP’s office and asked him if he knew the best place to find a gun-metal coloured purse would be. I’ve been looking everywhere for one! Instead of feeling like an expert, he ordered me to leave his office. I then walked into the Sales VP’s office and asked him if he thought I should go with Mac Lipglass for a tried and true colour (my fave is Love Child) or go with Charlotte Tilbury? He never heard of either but I’m sure it made him feel important to be included in such a riveting conversation. Verdict – mixed.
- Spirituality (Understanding How to Move and Manipulate Energy) – GP is a spiritual goddess, really! It pours out of her pores. The first thing that I think of when I see her, aside from the awful hunchback she will have later in life if she keeps slouching, is how she is a child of the Earth – so in touch with herself. I read this article and felt overwhelmed by the ten steps, so I focused on one for more energy: “Make a list of different feelings. Free associate with each feeling. What is your relationship to that feeling? What are your beliefs or images about those feelings? Where do you tend to feel those feelings, if at all, in your body?” When I wrote down my feelings, particularly about Goop, the first was bored. I saw myself yawn as I was thinking about my feelings. I felt my arms stretch back and my mouth open wide enough to catch flies. My relationship with boredom – too boring to think about. My beliefs are???? Not sure, can’t answer that one. I think it’s find something less boring to do. Verdict – MEH!
So, after basking in Goopie brilliance for one week, I learned several valuable lessons – never go to someone who is not a health care practitioner for advice or someone who has no clue what she is talking about for that matter for mental advice. Stars like Gwynnie and Cameron Diaz, will never be my go to girls when I need treatment for something. Remember Goop isn’t a lifestyle, it’s a business.