I’m disappointed in myself. I have done something to you, my readers, that I despiseth. I told a falsehood. I said yesterday, that I would go back to writing about DASH like a good little Dr. Oz blogger. Instead, I find myself, one last time, feeling the need to compare myself to Gwyneth Paltrow. I can’t stop myself, it’s a painful addiction, but the first step is admitting that I have a problem. It’s an unconscious uncoupling from the good angel sitting on my right shoulder telling me that it isn’t nice to make fun of those who are less fortunate than you. I truly believe that if Gwyneth is less fortunate – we’ve already established that she works harder than I do. She also hears voices in the rocks of Sedona and she would rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin…let’s find out some more ways that life is a bit more trying and some other words of wisdom in Plop Part Deux (I, like Gwyneth am fluent in a number of languages):
1) “I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.” It’s really tough being a girl who doesn’t want to be rich or famous. At least she is being true to herself. I too am true to myself. For instance, when I read my blog to my friend yesterday, I did it in a fake Britsh accent, then proceeded to laugh so hard at myself in a sound that can only be called “the hyena” that I cried, in public. Nothing like being yourself, except, when you can learn how to not make a spectacle out of yourself in public. Clearly, I am just learning but luckily, I have a role model in Gwynnie. BTW – if she is an actress, shouldn’t she be able to pretend to be someone who makes $25,000 a year? Isn’t that what acting is all about – pretending to be someone that you are not?
2) “Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we were at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’” I know – me too – well, it’s not Beyoncé giving me the be you advice. It’s usually a friend saying “Do that crazy Phoebe run of yours” – that’s Phoebe from friends – click on the link if you aren’t familiar https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_0Ta_DIWuU, yes that’s how they want to see me run…only one problem – I’m not doing it on purpose, that’s just the way I run… and they are doing it so that they can laugh at me.
3) “Sometimes Harvey Weinstein will let me use the Miramax jet if I’m opening a supermarket for him.” OMG – we have so much in common! Sometimes, I will jet around a supermarket, picking up what I need for my Dr. Oz inspired eating! Oh wait, is that not the same as Gwynnie jetting to a supermarket?
4) “I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup.” Totally agree with her! I don’t like this salty, fake soup either, and I too would rather leave a child motherless than let them eat this garbage. Hey, Chris Martin – you can just raise those kids yourself if they are ever fed Cup-a-Soup! As Dr. Oz would say, maybe she is catastrophizing?
5) “Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I’m so tired.” Me too! OMG – I thought no one out there understood me. Sometimes, I feel like people are plugging into my other body parts too, but that’s only when I have a creepy man standing too close to me on the subway. Honestly, I just have no clue what she means…maybe she should look into her intense fatigue – but it’s likely because she works so much harder than almost any woman on the planet.
6) “One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites.” For me, one cold wintry day in Toronto, I was dreaming of summer – especially this LONG COLD WINTER. I’m so done with it. We are going to have to agree to disgree on this one Gwyneth!
7) “One year I was given a birthday present I’ll never forget — a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver.” One year, I too was given a birthday gift that I’ll never forget – it was the ugliest jade necklace that I’d ever seen – I have no clue what the person who gave it to me was thinking. Bad idea! I thought GP loved cooking though?
8) “I had my first bowl of gazpacho when I was fifteen in Spain, and the impression it made was a lasting one.” Wow – I had my first bowl of gazpacho at my mother’s place in Toronto. It left a lasting impression too. I thought – why would anyone rave over cold tomato soup? If you like it that much, just open a jar of Ragu sauce and throw in some ice cubes – why pretend it’s something that it isn’t (gourmet).
9) “He [Chris Martin] can’t have background music on. It has to be 100 percent of his attention. But if he isn’t at home, I turn on the hip-hop. I’m like a bad mutha rapping along to every word as I cook.” I too need music when I cook. I am also like a bad mutha tucker (excuse my language), it’s the urban Jill coming out to play. I’m feeling like playing a little rap now myself, but I have Bruno Mars and Maroon 5 on now – so good! Perhaps I can partake in some rap later and get jiggy wit it?
On that note, I will have to go back to the real point of my blog tomorrow, but I have enjoyed this brief interlude.
Today, I am grateful for all of the lovely comments, likes and follows I have received since I started writing my little blog. I can’t tell you how much it means when I get that feedback. So thank you for reading.