The "Whiz-ard" That Is Dr. Oz

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Plop – Revisiting My Take on Goop

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The people who know me best know how much Gwyneth Paltrow and I have in common.       I’ve written about my respect for her several times before, indeed citing some of our greatest similarities, minus the size of my wallet of course.  Check these out if you know not of what I speak – https://jillschnei.wordpress.com/2014/03/29/plop/https://jillschnei.wordpress.com/2014/03/31/plop-part-deux-dos-due-zwei-twee/  Gwynnie does have it tough, don’t get me wrong.  Just recently, Goop was called out by NASA for spreading misinformation about using NASA technology in healing stickers sold on her site.  She also enraged GOOPIES (get it, like Groupies, only snobbier) at a recent Summit for the brand in NYC.  Not only did many get upset and leave the meeting of the fabulous minds due to lack of Gwynnie time and ill treatment if they only spent $500 on their ticket, there were ridiculous line ups for treatments promised when they booked their day of grace with the chosen Hollywood Health Nut.  Lastly, some of her adoring public is thinking about consciously uncoupling with Gwyneth when she admitted on Jimmy Kimmel’s show that she really has no idea about what is being sold on her site.

I would never abandon my Gwynnie though, and decided to take some of her advice (even if she doesn’t take it herself) and live the Goop-ie life for one week.  Here are some of the things that I tried…

  • Earthing – Gwynnie said she didn’t know what this was really, maybe some electromagnetic energy force field that’s only available in the ground.  I knew she was just kidding, after all, she was on Jimmy Kimmel and we all know what a joke-ster she is, so I decided to try Earthing for myself.  I pondered the name first, that’s just how deep I am, and thought, well, this is something that I can only do on Earth – not Venus, Mars or Jupiter, just Earth – coolio.  Immediately, I felt a connection to the land.  It can also cure a multitude of maladies like insomnia, arthritis, inflammation and depression.  According to Clint Ober, simply put, “Earthing therapy rests on the intuitive assumption that connecting to the energy of the planet is healthy for our souls and bodies.”  I decided to walk bare-foot through the park, or tip-toe through the tulips, if you will.  I kicked off my Naot sandals (not on Goop’s list of must have, I must invest in one of their choices) and plunged forward into the grass.  Immediately, I jumped back after stepping into a big pile of doggie doo – GROSS!!!! I found a bird bath and joined my fine feathered friends for a quick rinse before I tried again.  I got squeamish thinking I saw a worm and a deer tick.  Earthing isn’t for the faint of heart, so I gave up, running like a girl back to the safety of the pavement and my sandals.  Verdict – caused more stress then it cured.
  • Jade Egg Practice – wanting a deeper sense of connection to myself and all of the other side benefits of the Jade Egg suggested on Goop including some kegel help, I decided to try it.  When I saw the $66 price tag, I immediately thought, I can’t spend that much money on my hoo-hah why not try a regular hen’s egg?  Same shape – right?  Except every time I did it, the egg kept cracking – what a mess!  People on the subway also looked at me strangely because every time I tried to shove my way into the doors, another egg yolk appeared at my feet.  Verdict – don’t use regular eggs, and skip this whole thing. 
  • IV Drip  (available at the Goop Wellness Summit) – I wasn’t able to charter a private jet to fly down to LA to partake in a weekend of wellness and GP disciples, so I thought about just getting an IV drip which they promise will rehydrate you!  Then I thought about it and went with nature’s hydration, scientifically proven to help you bring more water to your little cells – good old water.  Verdict – OH PLEASE!
  • Meaningful small talk – My Gwynnie has meaning behind all of her conversations, so delving deeper into Goop, I found an article on how to have meaningful small talk.  All 8 steps would be overwhelming for a mere mortal like me, so I decided to start with one small tip – ask for advice, because it makes people feel good about themselves.  I’ve started at a new work place, so I thought this would be a great way to get to know people.  I went to the Executive VP’s office and asked him if he knew the best place to find a gun-metal coloured purse would be.  I’ve been looking everywhere for one!  Instead of feeling like an expert, he ordered me to leave his office.  I then walked into the Sales VP’s office and asked him if he thought I should go with Mac Lipglass for a tried and true colour (my fave is Love Child) or go with Charlotte Tilbury?  He never heard of either but I’m sure it made him feel important to be included in such a riveting conversation.  Verdict – mixed.
  • Spirituality (Understanding How to Move and Manipulate Energy) – GP is a spiritual goddess, really!  It pours out of her pores.  The first thing that I think of when I see her, aside from the awful hunchback she will have later in life if she keeps slouching, is how she is a child of the Earth – so in touch with herself.  I read this article and felt overwhelmed by the ten steps, so I focused on one for more energy: “Make a list of different feelings. Free associate with each feeling. What is your relationship to that feeling? What are your beliefs or images about those feelings? Where do you tend to feel those feelings, if at all, in your body?”  When I wrote down my feelings, particularly about Goop, the first was bored.  I saw myself yawn as I was thinking about my feelings.  I felt my arms stretch back and my mouth open wide enough to catch flies.  My relationship with boredom – too boring to think about.  My beliefs are???? Not sure, can’t answer that one.  I think it’s find something less boring to do.  Verdict – MEH!

So, after basking in Goopie brilliance for one week, I learned several valuable lessons – never go to someone who is not a health care practitioner for advice or someone who has no clue what she is talking about for that matter for mental advice.  Stars like Gwynnie and Cameron Diaz, will never be my go to girls when I need treatment for something.  Remember Goop isn’t a lifestyle, it’s a business.


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When A Goose Attacks

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Image courtesy of Buzzfeed

“I was attacked by a Canada Goose” said a text from my middle sister.  “The coat or the animal?” I quickly wrote, eager to find out if my sister was strong-armed by a sales person trying to pawn one of the  jackets before the season ended.  Most people can’t even afford the “down” payment on those coats.  “The animal” she replied with tears in her eyes (I’m guessing).  I proceeded to laugh for at least ten minutes, somewhat hysterically, before picking up the phone and pleading with her, in between giggle fits, to give me the complete honk by honk, oops, I mean blow by blow.  The more she spoke, the more I howled with laughter.  Cheer up Eeyore, it was bound to happen to one of us.

Now before you have a “bird” on me, I did make sure that she was alright in between my laughing fits.  When I spoke to her this morning, she told me to have a “gander” at videos of goose attacks.  The attack happened to her when she was innocently trying to use an ATM in downtown Oakville.  That’s what you get for “nesting” in the suburbs.  She turned her back, and her “goose was cooked”.  The bird bit her back with it’s toothless beak, twisting, but causing no damage.  It attacked again, flapping it’s wings at her head, causing a migraine, but luckily no “goose egg” on her noggin.  Surprisingly, even though it was a Canada Goose, it wasn’t polite enough to give her a sorry.  I wonder if the “Portugeese” are the nicer ones?

I’m not sure if there was a gosling close by, but my sister is an animal lover, even feeling sorry enough for the birds to eschew down products.  Now, it’s a different story – she thinks that those “birdbrains” belong in a coat, pillow or duvet.  The attack really came out of nowhere.  The only advice that I could give her for next time was to “duck” or blow her nose at the bird.  I always did say that it sounded like a mating call for a goose when she blows her nose.  If you are chased by a goose, you can always “wing it” depending on the direction of the attack “beak-cause” it can be difficult to judge what’s going to make them “fly off the handle”.  Maybe just tell it to “flock off”?

My sister really isn’t a “chicken” and so maybe I should give it a nest, I mean rest already. I apologize to you all, my faithful readers, if you found this post a little “fowl”.  Maybe I’ll get my sister a little gift for letting me write about her ordeal – nah, I’m too “cheep”.  I’m off for some bedtime reading, “Mother Goose” anyone?

 

 


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Things That Make Me Go HMMM…2017

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image courtesy of manbunhaorstyle.net (yes this is for real)

In 2016, I shared a post of things that keep me up at night, if you haven’t read it, it’s completely fascinating if I do say so myself (Trumpian modesty or an alternative fact?).  Here is a link Things That Make Me Go HMMMMMMM – 2016.  This year, I have many more deep thoughts that I ponder on my what will become of me couch including:

  • Last year, I wondered why man buns were a thing?  This year, I’m wondering if the hipster who invented the semi-bun or top-knot is laughing that so many men think that this is actually a thing.  It’s really not, it’s a cruel joke that you should cut off now.  Go on, take that elastic out, run your fingers through your two inches of hair and snip it off.  It’s a look that’s wrong on every level, trust me.  Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind
  • Speaking of which, if you notice food in a hipster’s bushy beard do you 1) tell him, 2) assume he’ll shampoo it out later, 3) think he’s saving it for a snack?
  • Do you shampoo a beard?
  • My knee hurts – do I need a knee replacement?  Has the warrantee on my part run out?
  • Why did those scientists need to do a study to figure out if dogs love their owners?  Doesn’t the fact that a dog goes nuts when you get home, looks at you with absolute adoration, stays with you when you are sick, sighs sadly when you are unhappy and needs to sit as close to you or on you as possible give you a clue?  Thanks Rocket Scientists for answering a question as burning as the Caramilk Secret or which came first, the chicken or the egg.  Maybe the funds from the next experiment should go towards curing cancer
  • How is it that some people hate cilantro?  It’s totally amazing!
  • Why can’t we have a soundtrack playing when we are walking along the street like they do in movies?
  • Is Mariah Carey that much of a diva or is she just putting on an act?  It’s got to be an act, forget this one
  • What do the words to “New Moon on Monday” by Duran Duran really mean?  It’s been bothering me for years (obviously).  Simon LeBon never made sense when he explained it.  It’s very catchy but makes zero sense
  • Why did they name New York City after the state?  Did they just get lazy?  New York, New York?  Next time I go to Buffalo, should I just say that I’m going to New York, that way people won’t judge me?
  • Why couldn’t I find Swiss Cheese in Switzerland?  Was that a foodie ploy to boost tourism?
  • How many times have the following words/sayings turned up on The Bachelor: 1) Journey, 2) Right Reasons, 3) Winning, 4) Your Tribe Has Spoken (oops that’s Survivor – sorry!)
  • Why of all of the things that I’ve written does “Ode to Probiotics” seem to be the most popular?
  • If my plane crashes over the Atlantic Ocean (or any body of water), is that little life jacket/flotation device really going to keep me alive?
  • Is my plane going to crash??????
  • How did Jack on “This is Us” die?
  • Is bigly a word?
  • Why do people always call Us Weekly a gossip rag when it’s 100% accurate?
  • When am I going to be able to go to a yoga class and not get a huge case of the giggles?
  • Scratch that one – I gave up yoga
  • Do people really like sushi or only think they should because it’s so pretty?

Sooo much to think about…no wonder I have insomnia.  Tune in next year for my latest update on things that make me go hmmmm.


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Stupid Stress Followed By Calm and Serenity

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Doesn’t this look serene? I took this in Norway…

Remember the book  “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff?  It made me sweat the small stuff…a lot…Why you ask?  Or you don’t, but I’m going to answer anyway – because I am the type of person who can cope with pressure when it’s big but when it’s small, that’s when I start feeling stress.  Everyone copes differently, so here is my top ten list of REALLY STUPID THINGS that cause me stress and how I’m going to cope with them:

  1. Sitting on a seat that’s really warm on the subway – and I mean really warm.  I’ll cope by reminding myself that people spend thousands of dollars to put bum warmers in their cars and this is a special gift for me to get it for free.  I’ll also tell myself (in my inside voice) that it wasn’t a smelly person who sat there before me and they definitely didn’t have bum sweat.
  2. Getting stuck on the subway.  I can’t really do anything about it – it’s beyond my control, so I’ll do what I always do, pull out my book and enjoy the mini-break from work.
  3. The fact that the best show on TV, “The Mindy Project”, may face cancellation.  I’ve already told everyone I know to watch the show, I blog about it and bring it up in casual conversation where I can.  There really is nothing else that I can do but wait for the ax to fall and enjoy it while it lasts.
  4. Winter in general and being cold in particular.  It’s going to happen, whether I like it or not.  I have a really warm jacket and dress for the weather, so I’ll have to just accept it.  I also have to accept that it’s November, and all hopes of 20+ degree weather are gone.
  5. Cooking.  Although I am much better than I used to be having mastered the art of the stir fry and a couple of pasta dishes that I don’t really eat anymore, I have to stop getting intimidated by fancy terms.  By the way – did you know that “reserve” means to set aside?  I bet everyone knew that but me – you are all so much smarter, better people and much wiser!  There I go stressing again.
  6. The fact that there are at least 14 country songs that I know and like (mostly Lady Antebellum.  It doesn’t make me a Hee Haw Honey – it makes me open minded when it comes to music.  Just don’t tell anyone that I like it – ok?
  7. My fear of bugs.  I’m never going to deal with it, so I just embrace the fear and enjoy the entertainment it provides to people.
  8. The fact that Google can track my every move online.  I’ve just come to accept it.  Facebook does the same thing.  I always wonder how The Huffington Post always posts doggie pics and deeply touching animal stories on my newsfeed – well, I get it now.
  9. The fact that every day, I gain and lost almost an equal number of Twitter followers.  I don’t love Twitter anyway – somehow, I’ll cope.
  10. All of the things that I have to do in life.  I still have half a lifetime to finish them – so maybe I should just stop stressing?

So, what am I doing this month to help ease the stress of these and other pressures?  I’ve signed up for another Deepk Chopra/Oprah 21 Day Meditation Experience – it’s free so try it yourself https://chopracentermeditation.com.  Dr. Oz is a big believer in meditation which I may have mentioned about 21 times!  I’m also going to scour his website to find other solutions to de-stress myself and embrace a semi-relaxed new me (likely not going to happen, but worth a try).

Today, I’m grateful for November – I’ve never loved October and am so happy to see a new page on the calendar.


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I Was Thinking…

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…which is why I look so scared in the picture : )  BTW – my nose looks HUGE – please remember that objects in photos aren’t always as large as they appear.  I know that the camera adds ten pounds, but did it all have to go to my schnoz?  I digress, this is where I’m going to start getting deep.

I was reading some blogs that were fabulous and inspiring and some that question whether they even have the right to call themselves bloggers.  Um…you write several times a week, on a dedicated page that’s all about you – what do you think you are?  I am not deep enough to question such things or even to try to inspire you, my readers.  I’m the youngest in my family, and if I’ve learned one thing through the years…wait for this…it’s a really important lesson…IT’S ALL ABOUT ME!!!!  I have a feeling that my two sisters would agree.  I LOVE being the baby of the family.  I love being doted on to this day by my Mommy and two big sisters.  I love the way that they worry about me.  I love the way that they take care of me.  I love the way that they laugh at all of my hilarious jokes.  I love…oh no – I started writing fiction!  Although some may disagree, I’m not the coddled youngest.  What I do think that I have going for me is that I know myself and I don’t try to be what I’m not.  If I entertain you, I’m thrilled.  I’m beyond grateful for every like and follow.  I also get humbled when I read some of my followers blogs.  They are the ones you should be going to to be inspired.  They face challenges far greater than mine (probably with a better attitude as well).

I was disappointed in myself this month for not being able to exercise as physically and mentally as I would have liked.  Physically, in addition to the ridiculously annoying plantar fasciitis in my right foot, my left foot was aching all month.  While I was beating myself up, I forgot about the fact that I still went to my trainer every week and I still walked as much as humanly possible.  Mentally, I get a workout at my job, but Monday – Friday, I do crossword puzzles from our free daily newspaper on the subway ride to work.  According to Dr. Oz (from doctoroz.com), they work both the visual and language areas of your brain while combining decision-making and motor coordination.  They can also help prevent diseases like dementia later in life (again, according to the good doctor).   He has a pretty interesting little exercise as well – it looks easy, but the mind can play tricks on you.  Click here Exercise Your Mind to test it out.

After all that’s happened this month, I’m grateful to move onto October and for “The Mindy Project” – the funniest show on TV.  There are so many things that I want to write about, so I’m going to keep the theme for the month simple, yet pretentious, like my good friend Gwyneth Paltrow (remember her?). It will be “Un Peu De Tou” – a little of everything for you non-French speaking peasants.  I say that with love…and as always, I remain…

Gratefully yours,

Jill


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One Last Dose of Ingratitude

I never thought it would take 3 whole days to review my top things that I’m ungrateful for, but it does take some thought.  Here are my last 5 items:

21. I’m not grateful for wasps – the buzz-buzz kind that can sting you, not the politely clapping, handkerchief-carrying kind that can also sting you, just not in the same way

22.  I’m not grateful that every day feels like Groundhog Day – like I’m living the same one over and over again.

23.  I’m not grateful that my dear friend asked me if I was having a mid-life crisis when it’s perfectly obvious that I’m no- where near middle age.  Everyone knows that I’ll live to be at least 110, so I have more than a decade before I hit it.

24.  I’m not grateful that when I had to go to Shoppers Drug Mart yesterday, my friend got excited about their toilet paper prices, not their fabulous array of cosmetics.  Maybe I am middle-aged.

25. I’m not grateful that saying please and thank you has become a dying art, not the right thing to do.

I am grateful that I finally finished this list.  It’s difficult to think of all of things wrong in the world when it’s apparent with the struggle that I had with this list, that there is a lot more that’s right.


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Even More Ingratitude

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Bah humbug – here are more ways to be ungrateful – I have 15 more to get to you!

11. I’m not grateful for fruit flies – they gross me out, and they’ve been flying around the office like they own the place.

12.  I’m not grateful for the zit on my chin that’s the size of a satellite dish.

13.  I’m not grateful that I had a bad hair day.

14.  I’m not grateful for the screaming child on the elevator today.  Really kid, if you are going to bawl your eyes out because your hair looks bad, it’s not looking good for your being able to cope with what life is going to throw your way.  I know you are only 4, but toughen up.

15. I’m not grateful for days when the difference between joy and misery is weather a :05 second billboard ran in the right place in a show.  The joy of working in media.

16.  I’m not grateful for people who don’t say please and thank you.  It’s a courtesy that we should follow.

17.  I’m not grateful that I have to take my computer into the Future Shop because my Office 365 won’t load onto my computer.

18.  I’m not grateful that my left ankle is killing me, and I still have pain in my right heel and that I couldn’t wear my cute new boots today.

19.  I’m not grateful that it’s almost Friday, but I will be grateful when it’s Friday after 6.

20. I’m not grateful that my bills came in…

But I am grateful that I for to see my frousin – AK, and that he made me laugh.