The "Whiz-ard" That Is Dr. Oz

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Plop – Revisiting My Take on Goop

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The people who know me best know how much Gwyneth Paltrow and I have in common.       I’ve written about my respect for her several times before, indeed citing some of our greatest similarities, minus the size of my wallet of course.  Check these out if you know not of what I speak – https://jillschnei.wordpress.com/2014/03/29/plop/https://jillschnei.wordpress.com/2014/03/31/plop-part-deux-dos-due-zwei-twee/  Gwynnie does have it tough, don’t get me wrong.  Just recently, Goop was called out by NASA for spreading misinformation about using NASA technology in healing stickers sold on her site.  She also enraged GOOPIES (get it, like Groupies, only snobbier) at a recent Summit for the brand in NYC.  Not only did many get upset and leave the meeting of the fabulous minds due to lack of Gwynnie time and ill treatment if they only spent $500 on their ticket, there were ridiculous line ups for treatments promised when they booked their day of grace with the chosen Hollywood Health Nut.  Lastly, some of her adoring public is thinking about consciously uncoupling with Gwyneth when she admitted on Jimmy Kimmel’s show that she really has no idea about what is being sold on her site.

I would never abandon my Gwynnie though, and decided to take some of her advice (even if she doesn’t take it herself) and live the Goop-ie life for one week.  Here are some of the things that I tried…

  • Earthing – Gwynnie said she didn’t know what this was really, maybe some electromagnetic energy force field that’s only available in the ground.  I knew she was just kidding, after all, she was on Jimmy Kimmel and we all know what a joke-ster she is, so I decided to try Earthing for myself.  I pondered the name first, that’s just how deep I am, and thought, well, this is something that I can only do on Earth – not Venus, Mars or Jupiter, just Earth – coolio.  Immediately, I felt a connection to the land.  It can also cure a multitude of maladies like insomnia, arthritis, inflammation and depression.  According to Clint Ober, simply put, “Earthing therapy rests on the intuitive assumption that connecting to the energy of the planet is healthy for our souls and bodies.”  I decided to walk bare-foot through the park, or tip-toe through the tulips, if you will.  I kicked off my Naot sandals (not on Goop’s list of must have, I must invest in one of their choices) and plunged forward into the grass.  Immediately, I jumped back after stepping into a big pile of doggie doo – GROSS!!!! I found a bird bath and joined my fine feathered friends for a quick rinse before I tried again.  I got squeamish thinking I saw a worm and a deer tick.  Earthing isn’t for the faint of heart, so I gave up, running like a girl back to the safety of the pavement and my sandals.  Verdict – caused more stress then it cured.
  • Jade Egg Practice – wanting a deeper sense of connection to myself and all of the other side benefits of the Jade Egg suggested on Goop including some kegel help, I decided to try it.  When I saw the $66 price tag, I immediately thought, I can’t spend that much money on my hoo-hah why not try a regular hen’s egg?  Same shape – right?  Except every time I did it, the egg kept cracking – what a mess!  People on the subway also looked at me strangely because every time I tried to shove my way into the doors, another egg yolk appeared at my feet.  Verdict – don’t use regular eggs, and skip this whole thing. 
  • IV Drip  (available at the Goop Wellness Summit) – I wasn’t able to charter a private jet to fly down to LA to partake in a weekend of wellness and GP disciples, so I thought about just getting an IV drip which they promise will rehydrate you!  Then I thought about it and went with nature’s hydration, scientifically proven to help you bring more water to your little cells – good old water.  Verdict – OH PLEASE!
  • Meaningful small talk – My Gwynnie has meaning behind all of her conversations, so delving deeper into Goop, I found an article on how to have meaningful small talk.  All 8 steps would be overwhelming for a mere mortal like me, so I decided to start with one small tip – ask for advice, because it makes people feel good about themselves.  I’ve started at a new work place, so I thought this would be a great way to get to know people.  I went to the Executive VP’s office and asked him if he knew the best place to find a gun-metal coloured purse would be.  I’ve been looking everywhere for one!  Instead of feeling like an expert, he ordered me to leave his office.  I then walked into the Sales VP’s office and asked him if he thought I should go with Mac Lipglass for a tried and true colour (my fave is Love Child) or go with Charlotte Tilbury?  He never heard of either but I’m sure it made him feel important to be included in such a riveting conversation.  Verdict – mixed.
  • Spirituality (Understanding How to Move and Manipulate Energy) – GP is a spiritual goddess, really!  It pours out of her pores.  The first thing that I think of when I see her, aside from the awful hunchback she will have later in life if she keeps slouching, is how she is a child of the Earth – so in touch with herself.  I read this article and felt overwhelmed by the ten steps, so I focused on one for more energy: “Make a list of different feelings. Free associate with each feeling. What is your relationship to that feeling? What are your beliefs or images about those feelings? Where do you tend to feel those feelings, if at all, in your body?”  When I wrote down my feelings, particularly about Goop, the first was bored.  I saw myself yawn as I was thinking about my feelings.  I felt my arms stretch back and my mouth open wide enough to catch flies.  My relationship with boredom – too boring to think about.  My beliefs are???? Not sure, can’t answer that one.  I think it’s find something less boring to do.  Verdict – MEH!

So, after basking in Goopie brilliance for one week, I learned several valuable lessons – never go to someone who is not a health care practitioner for advice or someone who has no clue what she is talking about for that matter for mental advice.  Stars like Gwynnie and Cameron Diaz, will never be my go to girls when I need treatment for something.  Remember Goop isn’t a lifestyle, it’s a business.

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A DASH of Goop

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Today, I must begin with what I am grateful for.  It is Gwyneth Paltrow.  Yes, the pretentious princess of all things Goop-y is what I am grateful for.  She allowed me to embrace my inner (and outer) pretention and will be my muse for this entry.  It happened with just a short title – Conscious Uncoupling.  Don’t get me wrong, I hate when a marriage ends, but who expects celebrity marriages to last and at ten years, Gwyneth and Chris Martin have practically been together forever.  What better way to announce the demise of their union with those words – I could not have written it better myself.  So today, I will be writing the entry with Paltrow poise.   I am also writing it with a fake British accent in case you were wondering.  I am listening to Shake Senora by Pitbull (I’m at the “My girl got a big old booty” part) – does that ruin my image? So catchy!   

It is with a heart full of sadness that I have decided to separate from overly processed food. I have been working hard for well over a dozen years, some of it with Lean Cuisines, some of it separated from frozen entrees, to see what might have been possible for dinner, and I have come to the conclusion that while I love frozen food, and yes even some canned soups very much we will remain separate. I am, however, and always will be fond of Diet Coke, and in many ways other artificial sweetners (although I cannot separate from Splenda). I am an eater, foremost, of incredibly wonderful vegetables and fruit and I ask for time and space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. I have always eaten Lean Cusine and Healthy Gourmet privately, and I hope that as I consciously uncouple from all things frozen or not in season, I will be able to continue in the same manner.

As a curator of Dr. Oz’s advice, I have chosen to reveal more of DASH to you, dear reader in the hopes that you too may learn the fabulosity that is eating all of the main food groups.  As I scribed in my blog-eth, you eat from all of the main food groups for this plan of wonderous abandonment.  The plan also is said to have many benefits including, “… preventing the onset of high blood pressure…reduces the occurence of heart attacks and strokes (by 18 and 24 percent respectively)…it reduces the risk of developing heart failure by 37 percent…it reduces the development of kidney stones by 45%…it reduces the risk of developing colon cancer by 20 percent…it reduces the risk of developing diabetes…it even helps people think more clearly (The DASH Diet for Weight Loss, pages 5-6).  I am thinking much more clearly now, and have not had any of the fuzziness that I had on the Oz plan and another plus is that it reduces the risk of developing diabetes.

The basic premise of DASH is Hi-Lo-Slo: High volume, Low Calorie, Slow to Eat.  Basically, healthy foods that are low in calories, yet with enough bulk to make you feel full and take you awhile to eat so that your fullness signal can be activated.  I wrote more specifics in Tuesday’s blog, but eating fresh fruit and vegetables is important, as well as whole grains and other healthy carbohydrates.  There is a lot of fibre in this diet, therefore you should satiate your thirst with a delightful glass of aqua (water).  You should also not hoover your food.  Oops – forgot my Goopiness for a minute!  Eat slowly, chewing eat bite 35 times (ok just slow down).  They also discuss CICO – calories in, calories out – this is how people gain, regulate or lose weight.  Sound familiar?   It’s because I was on a rant yesterday about how simple this all can be for the average person – there are always exceptions. 

There is a lot of content in this book.  Here is a link that explains the food plan very succinctly http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/dash-diet-explained.  I’ll provide some more details over the weekend, but as always, kindly check with your health care practioner (Gwyneth speak for doctor) before trying any new eating plan. 

Until later, I am Goopily Yours,

Jill